A small collection of funny Christmas poems for older kids. Some of the poems are really, genuinely rude, whereas others are unsuitable for younger kids because they the shatter one on the most enduring, and endearing, illusions of childhood. Are you ready to read the poems? This joke should help sort the sheep from the goats:
What's the difference between a snow man and a snow woman?
If you found the joke uproariously funny, or at least anatomically amusing, you're quite safe to proceed. If, on the other hand, you were bemused, confused or gently perplexed, its perhaps best to leave the rude Christmas poems for another year.
This opening poem, Christmas May Be Cancelled, is rather mean spirited and it is this, rather than its rudeness, which relegated it to the section devoted to rude Christmas poems. I'd like to be able to tell you it has a happy ending, but it doesn't. Well, perhaps a half-happy ending.
A rather endearing and not really rude Christmas poem, but one that is unsuitable for younger children as it explodes the whole Santa Claus thing. Exploding Santa Claus, now that sounds fun!
A funny Christmas poem about a Christmas fairy. Not a real fairy, but the sort of plastic, fabric and glitter Christmas fairy that sits right on the top of your Christmas tree.
A properly rude poem about the mysterious tenth reindeer, known as the brown nosed reindeer, who appears to help Santa Claus on his rounds at Christmas.
A Christmas poem for kids which combines humour, cruelty and prosthetic limbs - not so much a rude Christmas poem, as a twisted Christmas poem.
Oh no he isn't… Or is he?
A parody of Twas the Night Before Christmas which is funny, but unsuitable for animal lovers or the squeamish.
What's the best way to prepare a Christmas turkey? The answer may not be quite what you're expecting.
Beware of what you put in your letter to Santa, as the temptation to bend the truth could have unforeseen, tragic consequences.
A parody of While Shepherds Watched Their Stock By Night, in which the action is relocated to a dealing room in the city of London.
A second parody of the festive classic Twas the Night Before Christmas, which is funny and slightly sick.
A visit to the supermarket leaves a female shopper in one of those embarrassing 'If you ask a stupid a question, you'll get a stupid answer' situations.
Father Christmas, after years of overwork and overeating, faces an imposed retirement.
Do this, do that, do the other. For once, a poem which offers some advice you'd be well advised to follow.
A poem about the dreaded 'Friday 13th' superstition. Don't worry, it's silly, rather than sinister.
I'm sure you can guess who the festive pie guzzler is.
A rather naive Little Red Riding doesn't seem to have learned the lesson from her earlier wolf encounter. Hasn't she heard to the expression 'once bitten, twice shy'.
Some dodgy lavatorial humour and a Shakespearian pun for a title. Would you expect any more from Patrick?
A parody of, or perhaps homage to, the popular song of the same title.
Delivering presents is hard work for Santa, so it's not surprising there's the odd holdup along the way.
If you offended by the word bum, you'll be offended by this one!
A poem about one of the biggest problems children face at Christmas, the inability of some relative to obey the rules when it comes to seasonal gift giving.
A poem about petty crime and poetic justice in the run up to Christmas.
As so often with Patrick, it's a perfectly simple poem about Santa Claus hiding beneath an infuriatingly inscrutable title.
The underlying theme of the poem is that women fall in love with men who drive fast cars, although sometimes their heads can be turned by something flashier than a mere car.
A poem about Christmas lunch, whici is a delight for some and a disaster for others.
Another very rude poem which contains no rude words at all. If you don't understand it, you won't be offended, so you're quite safe to give it a whirl.