Rude and Revolting - Poems for Older Kids

The collection of poems for kids which is rude, but not 'rude rude' or 'adult rude', if you get my drift. The poems contain a few naughty words, such as bum, and some rather naughtier ideas. I think the poems are suitable for children aged 10 or over. If you're younger than 10 or a particularly sensitive soul, it would be a good idea to let an adult read them first and decide if they're suitable for you.

Lost for Words

Writing poems is a bit like sitting exams. Sometimes you can write and write and write, at other times you just chew your pencil and go quietly mad.

Author

Style

Rhyming Poem

Age Range

10-14

Length

8 lines

Blockage

I've got a lack of inspiration
I've got a look of consternation
No need for obfuscation
I've got writer's constipation.

Suddenly, out of thin air
Comes the germ of an idea
And words flow everywhere
Help, I've got verbal diarrhoea.

A Tongue Twister

I started writing this poem called 'Illiteration' to illustrate a piece I was developing on alliteration poems and how alliteration is all to do with the initial sounds, not the initial letters, of words. I ended up instead with a teasing little tongue twister of a poem entitled 'The Knicker Nicker', which I hope you'll agree is much more fun, and very possibly much more useful.

Author

Style

Tongue Twister

Age Range

10-14

Length

4 lines

The Knicker Nicker

Naughty Nick nicked Nicky's knickers
Now Nicky needs new knickers
And naughty Nick the knicker nicker
Is in the knicker nickers' nick.

Ancient History

Archimedes was a famous Greek mathematician, physicist and engineer who lived roughly 2,200 years ago. You might expect to find a poem about Archimedes amongst the famous people poems, but this one's included with the rude poems as it makes a rather naughty supposition about how he came to invent one of his famous inventions.

Author

Style

Rhyming Poem

Age Range

10-14

Length

8 lines

Unprincipled Archimedes

Eureka! Eureka!
Archimedes leaping
From his bath, was the birth
Of lateral thinking

I wonder if it's true -
Was he leaping into
Bed, when he invented
The Archimedes Screw?

What a Performance

What's smaller than a nit's knickers? A gnat's knackers. An odd, but strangely appropriate introduction to a poem about a performing flea who concludes her routine in a most surprising way.

Author

Style

Rhyming Poem

Age Range

10-14

Length

5 lines

Emily the Performing Flea

Emily the performing flea's
The bee's knees on the flying trapeze.
Sadly, for poor Emily, she's
So tiny that no-one sees
She ends her act with a strip tease.

In Prostest

Lady Godiva's unusual protest received an unexpected amount of interest...

Author

Style

Short Rhyming Poem

Age Range

10-14

Length

4 lines

Bare Back Rider

Lady Godiva
Maiden Fair
Rode through Coventry
All butt bare.

A Bestiary of Scary Creatures

A funny poem by Paul about the creatures he's afraid of... and although its a pretty extensive list, there may a few more that you're afraid of that Paul isn't.

Author

Style

Rhyming Poem

Age Range

8-14

Length

24 lines

I Do Not Like That

As by way of a general ruling
I have made this to be my doctrine
To dislike, distrust or fear
Any creature meeting these criteria
Anything with more limbs than I
Anything that moves faster than I
Anything with scales or feathers
Anything surviving extreme weathers
Anything having more teeth than I do
Anything creature covered in goo
Anything that growls and grunts
That isn’t engaged in sexual stunts
Anything with claws and talons
Anything that drools by the gallons
Anything that’s excessively hairy
Anything creature whose eyes are starey
Anything that bites or stings
Anything that uses wings
Anything with horns or armour
Anything with an aggressive demeanour
Anything too small to see
Anything that’s bigger than me
If you think of anything I've missed
Then I will add them to the list

Wise Words

Paul's at it again, this time with some wise words of advice about personal hygiene.

Author

Style

Short Rhyming Poem

Age Range

7-14

Length

4 lines

If You Do Nothing Else

I will offer you this wise piece of advice
It’s a simple fact of life that never fails
It’s this “if you like to scratch your bum”
“You should never bite your finger nails”

Trump That

Boys find it hilariously funny, girls are faintly disgusted and adults consider the subject unmentionable. Where would we be without farting? Blown up to the size of a hot air balloon and floating around in outer space is the likely answer.

Author

Style

Rhyming Poem

Age Range

8-14

Length

8 lines

No One Listens

No one’s listening
From the start
No one’s listening
When you impart
No one’s listening
When you’re smart
No one’s listening
Until you fart

A Nature Ramble

A poem which is better heard than read, as it relies for its humour (and rudeness) on an outrageous pun.

Author

Style

Rhyming Poem to Recite

Age Range

10-14

Length

12 lines

Being Picky

You can pick a dandelion
And you can tell the time
You can pick forget-me-nots
And then recite the rhyme

You can smell the cow parsley
To tell if it will rain
Or You can pick some daisies
And make a daisy chain

But never pick a buttercup
Just leave it as you find
Someone who's lost a buttock
Will not be far behind.

Rude PoemsRude Nursery RhymesVery Rude Poems

Not rude enough? Peculiar Poetry has really rude poems
Funny Poems and Nonsense Verse for Kids
Copyright © Funny Poems for Kids / Patrick Winstanley 2002-2013 All Rights Reserved.
Individual poems are copyright the stated authors and used with permission