Rude Poems

The collection of rude poems for children are rude, but they are not 'rude rude' or 'adult rude', if you get my drift. The poems contain a few naughty words, such as bum, and some rather naughtier ideas. I think the rude poems are suitable for children aged 10 or over. If you're younger than 10 or a particularly sensitive soul, it would be a good idea to let an adult read them first and decide if they're suitable for you.

Blockage

Writing poems is a bit like sitting exams. Sometimes you can write and write and write, at other times you just chew your pencil and go quietly mad.

The Knicker Nicker

I started writing this poem called 'Illiteration' to illustrate a piece I was developing on alliteration poems and how alliteration is all to do with the initial sounds, not the initial letters, of words. I ended up instead with a teasing little tongue twister of a poem entitled 'The Knicker Nicker', which I hope you'll agree is much more fun, and very possibly much more useful.

The Christmas Fairy

A funny Christmas poem about a Christmas fairy. Not a real fairy, but the sort of plastic, fabric and glitter Christmas fairy that sits right on the top of your Christmas tree.

Emily the Performing Flea

What's smaller than a nit's knickers? A gnat's knackers. An odd, but strangely appropriate introduction to a poem about a performing flea who concludes her routine in a most surprising way.

Bare Back Rider

Lady Godiva's unusual protest received an unexpected amount of interest...

Spotty Horror

Harry Potter and the Angst of Adolescence might be a more appropriate title for this poem, which deals with some of the problems Harry encounters during his teen years.

How to Sex a Dinosaur

I thought long and hard about whether to include this poem among the rude poems for children. It is a rude rude poem, but at the same time it contains no rude words. The word sex in the title doesn't count, as it is being used in the biological sense of 'How do you tell a boy dinosaur from a girl dinosaur?' The humour relies on a missed rhyme. If you 'get it', that's fine and I haven't corrupted you by teaching you anything that you didn't already know. If you don't 'get it', please don't make things worse by asking your Mum, Dad or teacher (definitely not your teacher) why it's funny. Try reading it again in six months or a year's time and you might suddenly find it clicks into place.