Animal Antics - Funny Poems About Animals

A collection of funny poems about animals for children aged 3 to 13. Animals featured range from anacondas to zebras and the poems from the cute and cuddly to the really rather scary. Don't worry, I'm probably scared of more creatures than you - spiders, mice, swans and snakes are top of my list - so there aren't any really terrifying poems.

Wedding Bells

A cute poem about the marriage between a camel and a dromedary, and what happens next....

Author

Style

Short Rhyming Poem

Age Range

5-11

Length

4 lines

A Marriage Made in Heaven

Mr Camel and Miss Dromedary were married
And in time a baby was due.
Said Mrs Camel to her beloved
'Would you prefer one hump or two?'

Miss Muffet and the Big Mac

A reworking of Little Miss Muffet in which the spider doesn't get the upper hand (if spiders have hands!).

Author

Style

Nursery Rhyme Parody

Age Range

3-12

Length

4 lines

Little Miss

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Eating a Big Mac and fries
Along came a spider and sat down beside her
'Yuck', it said, 'I prefer flies'.

The Lazy Snail

This verse is sixteen lines, which is horrendously long. In my defence, it was written for my niece to use for a poetry recitation event at school and the teacher said it must be sixteen lines long (that's right, blame the teacher!). As for my niece, she said the poem was too difficult and asked me to write another one. So I did, called Aunts, and it's another monster.

Author

Style

Rhyming Poem

Age Range

5-11

Length

16 lines

Eat, Drink and Be Messy

Once, upon a thyme leaf,
There lived a lazy snail,
Who munched and dozed, and dozed and munched,
On thyme he breakfasted and lunched,
And when it came to half past nine,
He chose once more to dine on thyme.

Later, upon the thyme leaf,
Was a rather plumper snail.
But, reader dear, his life was brief,
For this is no fairy tale.

He ate more and more, and grew fatter and fatter
Until one day he exploded, bang, splat, splatter.
One minute he was there,
The next he'd gone.
The coroner's verdict
'A snail thyme bomb'.

Really Scary Creatures

If you're not fortunate enough to own an aunt, you should perhaps visit your local zoo where a few have been successfully raised in captivity. Then you'll understand why the poem is in the animal section and will be prepared for some of the horrors which await.

Author

Style

Rhyming Poem

Age Range

5-12

Length

16 lines

Aunts

You mustn't be fooled by their features.
They look sweet, and kind, and gentle,
Some would say quite ornamental,
But they're really scary creatures.

'Come here and have a great big hug'
She squeezes me 'til I can't speak,
Then kisses me upon the cheek,
Saliva, lipstick, perfume ugh!

It's Christmas time I really fear.
It’s just the same year after year,
As I unwrap my worst nightmare,
A set of knitted underwear.

So this year I thought I'd treat her
To a gift which she could treasure
And would give me equal pleasure.
I've bought a Spiny Aunteater.

A Dog is a Man's…

I wrote this poem during Christmas 2002 and it's a bit difficult to explain what it's about - dogs, chinese people, and the fact one rather likes to eat the other. Not a Christmas theme at all!

Author

Style

Rhyming Poem

Age Range

7-11

Length

8 lines

Dogged Determination

If a dog from Dalmatia,
Is called a Dalmatian,
And one from The Alsace,
Is called an Alsatian

Why does Li Wong,
Who comes from Hong Kong,
Call his dog
Char Sui Chow Mein?

A Helping Hand

Children's literature is littered with unlikely cases of anthropomorphism - kittens in mittens and elephants playing euphoniums. This cute poem explains why you never find a giraffe wearing a scarf, unless there is a very helpful zoo keeper to hand.

Author

Style

Rhyming Poem

Age Range

3-6

Length

8 lines

A Knotty Problem

A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?

Three's a Crowd

Fear not, this is not a biblical poem. In fact, it's an account of a group of animals enjoying a night out at Noah's Nightclub.

Author

Style

Rhyming Poem

Age Range

5-11

Length

8 lines

Two by Two

The animals went in two by two.
A couple of hippos, a pair of gnu,
Two spectacled bears from Lima, Peru
And even, it's said, a push-me-pull-you.

But, right at the back of the very long queue
Stood a herd of wild young caribou.
The bouncers looked angry, 'Hey you, Yes You'
'No stag parties allowed, so off with you, SHOO!'

Underhand Tricks

You are bound to have heard the joke, so now it's time to read it in verse form with a new twist at the end.

Author

Style

Rhyming Poem

Age Range

5-11

Length

6 lines

The Card Sharps

A leopard and a cheetah were lying,
Playing cards in a shady glade.
Everyone though the cheetah was cheating.
'Like name, like nature', they said.
But the cheetah was never spotted
(though the leopard most certainly was).

Soemthing to Beef About

Kobe beef is the most expensive meat in the world, because the cows from which it comes live the most incredibly pampered lifestyle, until....

Author

Style

Rhyming Poem

Age Range

5-13

Length

5 lines

Kobe or Not Kobe

If I were a Kobe cow
Fed on litres of lager
And given daily massages
I think I'd still rather
Not end up as sausages.

Hippo v. Rhino

Why is a walrus like a hat stand? I don't know why I asked the question, but it's rather that sort of rhyme.

Author

Style

Anaphorism

Age Range

4-11

Length

4 lines

Hippopotamus

Some think the
Noble hippopotamus
A somewhat
Pointless rhinoceros.

Snakes Alive

Have you ever saved and saved your pocket money to buy something special and as soon as you've bought it, found out it wasn't so special after all?

Author

Style

Rhyming Poem

Age Range

5-13

Length

6 lines

Pet Subject

I've a cobra that does calculus
And an anaconda that loves algebra

I've a grass snake that does geometry
And a python that adores pythagoras

So it's just my luck to waste 10 bucks
On a puff adder that's masthmatic.

Shop Horror

'Take your pet zebra with you to the supermarket and something like that was bound to happen.' Yes, mothers really do know best (at least when it comes to looking after zebras).

Author

Style

Short Rhyming Poem

Age Range

4-10

Length

4 lines

Bar Humbug

When I took my zebra to Tesco
It got scanned by mistake at the till
How I wish I'd discovered the error
Before I'd settled the bill...

Diddle-De-De

It's part riddle and part poem. Can you recognise this famous oviparous antipodean animal from the clues in the verse?

Author

Style

Rhyming Riddle

Age Range

5-13

Length

4 lines

The DBP

If I tell you the ornithorhyncus
Is the famous egg-laying platypus
You'll not for a moment be thunder struck
As it's the platypus billed as a duck

A Sinister Presence

Finally, a funny poem about sheep. But beware, these creatures aren't quite as cute or cuddly as you might imagine.

Author

Style

Rhyming Poem

Age Range

6-14

Length

12 lines

Beasts in the Mist

They gather in the full moon's light
On lonely roads at dead of night
With shining eyes that pierce the mists
They prey on passing motorists

Sure footed over rock and crag
A victim fresh to feast they drag
And all that’s left when feeding's through
Is a baseball cap and a training shoe

No wolf or hound will prowl the moors
And ghosts and ghouls stay home indoors
So when shrill screams disturb your sleep
Beware the Cumberland killer sheep

12

Animals too tame? Why not try some teen funny poetry?
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Funny Poems and Nonsense Verse for Kids
Copyright © Funny Poems for Kids / Patrick Winstanley 2002-2013 All Rights Reserved.
Individual poems are copyright the stated authors and used with permission