When I first started writing funny poetry for young readers, I decided that kids spent so much time at school that the last thing they would want to read were poems about the place. I found that I was wrong and that although many children have a love-hate relationship with school, they do have an appetite for funny school poems. So here they are, a collection of funny poems about horrible teachers, boring lessons, naughty pupils, cruel punishments and lots of other school related activities.
A poem about a pupil daydreaming in one of those really long, really boring classes which seem as though they'll never end.
Firstly, an apology, because if you're somebody who counts the number of lines in each and every poem, this is a really long poem at 28 lines. It is, however, written in the form of a short poem with very short lines and lots of rhymes. Anyway, it's a poem about the rules and regulations dictating what you can and can't do in a library.
A boy playing in the school orchestra has a desperate need to go to the toilet, but what can he do to get the attention of the teacher in charge?
A poem about the first day in a new school, or perhaps the first day in a new class, when the teacher in a completely cringe-worthy manner, and in front of the whole class, asks the pupils about themselves and their families. The whole exercise is meant to put everyone at their ease, but in this poem Timmy's answers to his teacher's questions are less than reassuring.
I was at school long enough ago that pupils who had been really naughty were caned and those who had been quite naughty were put in detention. Being in detention meant doing extra school work or the dreaded 'lines' when all your fellow pupils were enjoying themselves, or after they had gone home. Crime and Punishment is a poem about being put in detention and writing lines in which the teacher seems to have gone a step too far whilst administering justice.
Never, ever argue with your teacher, unless of course you're cleverer than them. This is a poem about how to avoid punishment for missed homework and annoy your teacher at the same time. Follow its example with extreme caution!
I have to warn you that whilst this poem is quite horrible, the introduction to it is really, really disgusting. At the age of seven, I was sent to boarding school. The was nothing particularly wrong with the food at boarding school, but there was no choice of menu and you were forced to eat everything. If it was something you didn't like, you could ask for a small portion, but you had to eat it. There was a boy in my class called Andrew who didn't like bread and butter pudding. He didn't just not like bread and butter pudding, he really, really hated it. Unfortunately for Andrew, we had bread and butter pudding for lunch nearly every week. He would dutifully ask for a small portion and sit shuffling the bread and butter pudding round the plate with is spoon, or hiding lumps of it in his pockets, or bribing his neighbour to eat it for him. Eventually the teacher would give up and say he'd finished and that he could leave the table. Except that on one occasion there was a particularly mean and sadistic teacher in charge, who sat right beside him and said he was going to watch him eat every mouthful, even if it meant they both stayed there till tea time. Andrew begged and he cried, but eventually he was forced to put a miniscule spoonful of bread and butter pudding into his mouth. He was immediately sick, right back into the bowl of bread and butter pudding. The teacher - I did mention, didn't I, that he was cruel and vicious - said that he'd done it on purpose and made him sit and eat the bowl of sick (diced carrots and all). The good news is that the poem isn't about bread and butter pudding; the bad news is that it's about my least favourite school food, which is even more disgusting...