Terrible Teachers - Funny Poems About School Teachers

Our third offering of funny poems about school focuses on that most despised of school fixtures, the teacher. I know you just adore the paragons of virtue who teach you, but kind, caring, competent teachers don't make for funny poems. Instead, you'll have to suffer poems about the cruel, crazy and malodorous school masters and mistresses that Paul and I suffered at school sometime during the last century.

Starting School

A poem about the frustrations of primary education. You're torn from the bosom of your loving family and dumped at this strange establishment (school) where every sentence spoken by a teacher begins with the words 'You must not'. And then you're told that you're facing an 11 year sentence with no remission for good behaviour.

Author

Style

Rhyming Poem

Age Range

4-7

Key Stage

Pre-school, KS1

Length

8 lines

Under Achieving

Gillian finished her first week at school
And had a very unhappy look on her face
She said to her mum who was showing concern
“I’m just wasting my time at that place”.
Mum asked her “why ever do you think that?”
Then Gillian exploded in an angry squawk
“Well mother I can't read and I can't write,
And then they won't even let me talk!'

Mathematical Mischief

Back to the relative normality of a poem about a maths lesson at school. Why is the currency of mathematics always apples? Please write your answer on one side of a grapefruit.

Author

Style

Rhyming Poem

Age Range

5-9

Key Stage

KS1, KS2

Length

8 lines

The Mental Maths Teacher

I buy seven apples
At the supermarket
But I eat five myself
And I give one to Brett.
After my eating and
giving, what do I get?

Bad stomach ache, Miss,
And a new teacher's pet.

There's Always One

Every so often you'll meet a teacher who can be diverted into talking about anything other than the subject they're meant to teach. Whole lessons, weeks or even terms can be spent on these idle diversions.

Author

Style

Rhyming Poem

Age Range

7-13

Key Stage

KS1, KS2, KS3

Length

8 lines

Star Teacher

Thank you for being our teacher
You really taught us lots
About the solar system,
The moon, black holes, sun spots.

Thanks to your stellar teaching,
We love astronomy,
But weren't you meant to take us
For trigonometry?

Caught Cheating?

A schoolboy accused of copying his brother's homework has a cast iron defence. Except that the star witness in the case is a...

Author

Style

Rhyming Poem

Age Range

5-10

Key Stage

KS1, KS2

Length

6 lines

My Cat Story

The teacher questioned Samuel about his homework
“I have just read your story entitled 'my cat'
And it is almost exactly the same as your brother's
What do you have to say to that?"
“Well I didn’t copy Joshua’s story miss” Samuel said
“It’s just that well, we have the same cat.”

The Perfect Reply

A hilarious poem which it's wise to keep up your sleeve until that moment when you really, really want to wind your teacher up.

Author

Style

Rhyming Poem

Age Range

5-13

Key Stage

KS1, KS2, KS3

Length

4 lines

If You Ask A Stupid Question

Joshua was caught talking to a friend during assembly
“What do you call a person” asked the headmaster
“Who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?” 
Joshua thought and to great applause he said “A teacher.”

Grammar School

A funny poem in which we once again meet the hapless Miss Tibbs, who is trying to teach a point of grammar to pupils who are too bright for their own good. If a funny poem about grammar isn't enough to put you off, the poem is also extraordinarily long and the poem's title, A Capital Offence, is a little riddle which provides the answer to Miss Tibbs's initial question to the class.

Author

Style

Rhyming Poem

Age Range

8-14

Key Stage

KS2, KS3

Length

12 lines

A Capital Offence

What should you start a sentence with?
Miss Tibbs angrily asked
The pupils in her class.

With what should you start a sentence?
Would be better grammar,
Stated Tom, the smart-arse.

My Mother's sentences always
Start with the word 'Don't',
Added Dick, the class clown.

No, said Harry, every sentence
Starts with the court hearing
At which you are sent down.

And now, ten years later,
Tom's a copywriter
Dick's a headmaster
Harry's a barrister
And Miss Tibbs? Miss Tibbs
Is still a teacher.

Missing You

If you're alarmed by a poem about a school mistress being called Love and Kisses? you're perhaps right to be. Or is there a completely innocent explanation?

Author

Style

Rhyming Poem

Age Range

5-14

Key Stage

KS1, KS2, KS3

Length

6 lines

Love And Kisses?

The class swots get lots
Of ticks and 'well dones',

But I just get lots
Of Miss's Kisses

And a cryptic note
'See me after school'.

The Menagerie

A poem about school which turns out to have an unlikely twist in its tail when we discover that the teacher has decided to participate in 'Bring Your Pet To School Day' as well.

Author

Style

Rhyming Poem

Age Range

5-11

Key Stage

KS1, KS2

Length

12 lines

Bring Your Pet To School Day

Charlotte brought a cockerel
And Hal a dozen hens
Paul brought a porcupine
And made us all quill pens

Gordon brought his goldfish
But sadly not its bowl
Hamish brought his hamster
(Later eaten by Al's owl)

Thomas brought his tortoise
Which strangely arrived late
And teacher brought his pet
A swotty girl called Kate

Curiouser and Curiouser

A poem about a teacher who is not all he seems. Yes, it's slightly rude, but not nearly rude enough to be included with the really rude poems.

Author

Style

Rhyming Poem

Age Range

7-14

Key Stage

KS2, KS3

Length

5 lines

My Teacher is an Alien

My teacher is an alien
A spotted it in class
He's seven mouths, scaly skin
And talks out of his…

…aren't teachers strange creatures

Mind Numbing Maths

A short silly poem that sums up everything I know or care about maths.

Author

Style

Short Rhyming Poem

Age Range

7-14

Key Stage

KS2, KS3

Length

6 lines

Dim Sum

Addition
Subtraction
Division
Distraction

Long division
Long distraction.

12TEACHERS

A bit old for school poems? Give my funny teenage poems a go
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Funny Poems and Nonsense Verse for Kids
Copyright © Funny Poems for Kids / Patrick Winstanley 2002-2015 All Rights Reserved.
Individual poems are copyright the stated authors and used with permission