Valentines day is the one day of the year when adults are guaranteed to get all mushy and sentimental. The result is a pseudo-romantic interlude of candlelit meals, bunches of red roses, chocolates and spending a whole day going round saying 'I love you' like a demented parakeet.
The problems facing kids on valentine's day are much more complicated. It's just conceivable that you really like someone in your class. If so, it's as good a day as any to make your move. As you face possible ignominy or shame, you might as well go the whole hog and pledge you troth in verse - then, if it all goes horribly wrong, you can laugh it off as an elaborate joke. Much more dangerous is the possibility that the bespectacled and spotty kid in your class who you can't abide has a crush on YOU. It's best to plan ahead so that you can ward off their unwanted advances.
The selection of funny valentine poems for kids that follows includes poems for every possible valentine's day eventuality:
To start, a romantic valentines poem to win someone's heart. I can't guarantee it will have the desired effect, as some people being wooed object to being described as a cripple, or indeed a rabbit.
You are the bow
I am the arrow
You are the wheel
I am the barrow
You are the cripple
I am the crutch
You are the rabbit
I am the hutch
You are the hand
I am the glove
Yes, I'm a mitten
Smitten by love
Our second valentines poems appears to be a conventional love poem - cute, sweet, demented parakeet fare - but the poem has a deliciously funny twist that turns everything on its head.
I really want to say to you
Just how precious you are to me
I really want to say to you
That I know you are the one for me
I really want to speak to you of love
But here is the twister
I really can’t talk to you of love
Because I’m in love with your sister
Next, a funny valentine poem by Paul which starts out all mushy and romantic, but has a delicious twist in its tail.
My wife told me to be more romantic
And to book a table for Valentines Day
When we arrived at the snooker hall
I can tell you there was all hell to pay
The next valentines poem is unusual for two reasons. Firstly, its a valentines shape poem, with the words arranged in the shape of a heart. True shape poems are tricky to write and trickier still to construct - like trying to ride a bicycle whilst playing a xylophone - yet this poem just fell into place as if it was always meant to be. Secondly, its unusual in that the poem is written from the viewpoint of a 8 or 9 year old boy. All the repetitions of I love you more than.. make it sound like a romantic love poem, but this is really a poem about a very special sort of love. The poem's title might give you a clue as to who the writer really loves.
A second valentines love poem about boys (or perhaps for boys) who are still at the age when they view girls as alien creatures who are only interesting in boring things, such as dolls, sewing and cooking.
Those deep blue eye
Those golden curls
I love my dog
Much more than girls.
Paul's poem Broken offers consolation to those who have been unlucky in love. The poem is humorous in style, but serious in tone.
Too much said
We wasted it
I so miss her
And now a humorous valentines poem for the girls, which offers a gentle reminder that finding the boy of your dreams may be a long and arduous quest, involving much unpleasantness along the way.
Remember all you maidens
From the isle of dogs
Before you find a prince
You must kiss a lot of frogs
Roses are Red poems have been used since time immemorial as a token of romantic love. These alternative version by Patrick are intended have the opposite effect. The first poem is ideal for driving away unwanted suitors brandishing bunches of flowers...
Roses are red
Violets are blue
...whereas the second is a rather more forcefull rebuff.
Novels are read
Trumpets are blew
You're so ugly
I might just spew
To provide balance, we've a rather more literary poem by Paul, Love of the Sea, which is equally effective at warding off unwelcome Valentines Day advances.
Oh my love how you remind me of the sea
Not for being amazing, powerful and dramatic
No, you remind me of the sea my darling
Because when I’m close to you I feel sick
This final poem by Paul appears at first glance to be just another Roses are Red poem, but there's a subtle twist and it's all in the punctuation.
Rose’s are red
Violet’s are blue
Daisy’s are white
Lily’s are too
Poppy’s are red
Iris’s are blue
Pansy’s are varied
Petunia’s are too
Ruby’s are red
Sapphire’s are blue
Pearl’s are white
Jasmine’s are too
Marigold’s are orange
Hyacinth’s are blue
Holly’s are scratchy
Heather’s are too
May’s are white
Fern’s are green
Ivy’s are variegated
And very often seen
Colours are many
Doesn’t wear any
If you haven't quite grasped the poem's meaning, this is one occasion when you could ask your English teacher. I'm sure they will be delighted to explain the use of the apostrophe and possibly also that it's a poem about knickers.