Happy Families - Funny Poems About Family Life
The section is called funny family poems because the poems are family-friendly - they won't turn around and bite you - and they're about families, family members and life at home. In fact, the poems are about people in general - not famous people, just ordinary people like you or me, who lead normal lives and have friends and enemies, arguments, pet zebras and who occasionally do really stupid things.
A poem about a visit to the dentist (don't we all love visiting the dentists!) in which the dentist hardly has time to say 'this won't hurt at all'.
An appointment with the dentist
Who said, 'Now open wide'
And once he'd prised my jaws apart
He deftly jumped inside
He mountaineered over molars
Trampolined on my tongue
Then quickly jumped back out again
And said 'That's it, you're done'.
A Dreadful Driver
My brother-in-law keeps on buying faster and faster cars and drives like
a maniac, rather like Mister Toad in The Wind in the Willows. I sometimes
wish he would be sent to jail and have to dress as a washerwoman to escape.
Oh dreams, dreams, envy, envy.
Our Dad's a dreadful driver,
We call him Mr Toad.
He thinks he's superhuman,
Whenever he hits the road.
But yesterday disaster struck!
Swerving to avoid a 10 ton truck,
He crashed into a Morris Marina
And now our car's a Ford Concertina.
A poem which explains why 'never a lender nor a borrower be' is a good maxim
for life, or at least for library books.
I have a special room,
Where all my books are kept,
But I'm rapidly running out of space,
Because I'm a compulsive biblioklept.
If people (usually parents) ask you to do jobs around the house, you'll find
that if you always do them wrong then eventually they'll stop asking (although
it might take a few years to work).
I like tea, and you like coffee
So it was clever of you
To combine the two
And make us a cup of hot toffee
(even though it tasted like mud).
It is possible that the title is cleverer that the poem, or indeed that the
poem is cleverer than the reader. If it sends you scurrying for the dictionary,
don't forget to put it back when you've finished with it. If you don't own
a dictionary, perhaps it's time to read the next poem.
Of Sound Mind
Plink, plank, plonk
Splish, splash, splosh
Is a load of tosh
When adults are off work they have to get a 'sick note' to convince their
boss they really were ill - rather like the notes kids have to take to school
which are often equally unconvincing.
The Sick Note
I visited the surgery
To request a sick note.
The good doctor wrote
'An affliction, with such a description.
Surely', I say, 'I'm due a prescription.'
The good doctor concurs,
But writes just three words
'Buy a dictionary'.
I always give my postman a cheery wave as he delivers my letters, then spend
half an hour chasing him down the street as most have been delivered to the
wrong address. I'm not saying that a gastropod would make a better postman,
but I'd be willing to give it a try.
‘If I'm reincarnated,
I'd like to be a snail’.
So spake the postman, as
He handed me my mail.
With a snail as a postman
The service might be better
And I don't think I'd mind
The odd slimy letter.
Bread and Jam
Mary had a little lamb is a familiar nursery rhyme. In this parody poor
Mary couldn't find her lamb, leading to all sorts of domestic complications.
Mary had a little weep
As she dined on bread and jam
Her freezer was in such a muddle
That she couldn't find her lamb.
A poem to be enjoyed by children who are picky about their poetry, and
no, you don't have to eat the peas, or the carrots, or the ...
The Fussy Eater
Mum calls me 'the fussy eater'
Because I won't eat peas,
I find carrots make me queasy
And broccoli makes me sneeze.
We fight like mad at meal times
But I'm allowed to win
'Cause Mum knows I'll eat anything
If it comes in a tin.
Another poem about eating... This time it's by Kate Williams and the subject is the battles surrounding Sunday lunch.
Cut it up!
Scoop it up!
Chew it up!
Clear it up!
Mop it up!
Dry it up!
Eat it up!
Keep it up!
Keep it down!
A slightly mischievous poem about a mother who claims to have mystical qualities, but is in fact rather more than she seems.
Mum's the Word
The flowing robes, the candle light,
The crystal ball, the second sight.
Behold her now, my mystic mum,
She claims to be a medium,
But everyone can clearly tell
She is in fact an XXL.