Very Rude Poems for Older Kids

You should only have reached these very rude poems if you've read your way through the quite rude poems or are very clever at using a search engine. In either case, you're certainly old enough, or wise enough, to read the poems and perhaps write some equally rude ones yourself.

A Harry Potter Spoof

Harry Potter and the Angst of Adolescence might be a more appropriate title for this poem, which deals with some of the problems Harry encounters during his teen years.

Author

Style

Rhyming Poem

Age Range

10-14

Length

8 lines

Spotty Horror

Harry was a model student,
Good at spelling, and intelligent.
But adolescence! What turmoil,
As bodies sprout and hormones boil.

So by magic, Harry Potter
Turns into a spotty horror
And sweet Hermione only just
Escapes young Harry's wand o' lust.

A Painful Choice

A poem about the painful dilemma faced by a choirmaster when the voice of one of his star choristers begins to break.

Author

Style

Rhyming Poem

Age Range

12-14

Length

7 lines

Broken Promise

A chorister
A breaking voice
A choirmaster
A painful choice
Either alteration
To the orchestration

Or castration

Survival Tips

If you go down to the woods today, you'll find this poem's advice for dealing with large and potentially dangerous bears only mildly reassuring.

Author

Style

Rhyming Poem

Age Range

9-14

Length

24 lines

Bear Necessities

When in the North America forests
On holiday
Carry with you a whistle
And a can of pepper spray
Because you might meet a bear

A small bear eats mainly fruit
And the occasional squirrel
And can be easily scared away
With a sharp blast on your whistle
That’s how to deal with a small bear

A large bear won’t be frightened away
By a blast of your whistle
But a squirt of your pepper spray
Will do the trick not a lot just a little
That’s how to deal with a large bear

You can check if bears are in the area
By examining their droppings
If it smells of fruit
And contains squirrel fur
Then it was deposited by a small bear

However if the more dangerous large bear
Left its deposit along the way
It will probably contain a whistle
And it will smell of pepper spray

Box Clever

A funny poem about a boxer who takes a pasting in the ring.

Author

Style

Rhyming Poem

Age Range

9-14

Length

24 lines

Billy The Kid

The noble art of pugilism
It has often been called
Not all would agree
And some are just appalled
Young fighter Billy Owen
Was barely standing
After being pounded
For three rounds in the ring
It was so noisy you couldn’t
Hear the bell sound
The ring of the bell
To mark the end of the round
The battered and bloody
Boxer sat on his stool
If you’d seen him you’d
Agree the sport is cruel
The corner man took a look
And gave his view
“You’re doing OK kid
He’s not laid a glove on you”
The kid replied
“Then keep an eye on the referee”
“Because someone’s
Beating the crap out of me”

A Singular Disappointment

A poem about school in which we again encounter the ill fated Miss Tibbs as she takes her charges on an outing to the zoo.

Author

Style

Short Rhyming Poem

Age Range

10-14

Length

4 lines

Class Outing

Miss Tibbs' class went on an outing
To the petting zoo
There was only one animal
It was a Shih Tzu

One To Get To The Bottom Of

An unlikely consultation in the doctor's surgery is related in this decidedly fruity poem.

Author

Style

Rhyming Poem

Age Range

7-14

Length

8 lines

Berry Berry

The doctor scratches his head
And is almost struck dumb
Why does his patient have
A strawberry stuck up his bum?
The only answer is
On a strawberry he must have sat
Then he says
“I’ll give you some cream to put on that”

More Bum Notes

An unfortunate incident on the football field results in an amusing newspaper headline. Be warned, it requires a rather tortuous pun to complete the poem's punch line.

Author

Style

Rhyming Poem

Age Range

7-14

Length

lines

Shot In The Back-Side

It was in the buttock apparently
That a footballer has been shot
Although from the papers you may
Believe it or believe it not
As this was the way of reporting
The event that they preferred
“Adjacent to the players tunnel
An explosive incident occurred”

Punctuation Is Paramount…

A man visiting a psychiatrist is clearly very disturbed.

Author

Style

Rhyming Poem

Age Range

10-14

Length

6 lines

Rapped

A man was sent to see a Psychiatrist
For an appointment he could not miss
When the doctor saw the poor chap
He was dressed only in plastic shrink wrap
The Doctor said, with no ifs or buts
"Well, I can clearly see you're nuts"

…And Spelling Telling

A poem about a vicar who catches one of the bell ringers in a compromising position in the belfry.

Author

Style

Short Rhyming Poem

Age Range

10-14

Length

4 lines

That Rings a Bell

This is the tale of a solo bell ringer
Caught with the rope around his Dinger
The vicar made the shock discovery
And then tolled the man off promptly

More Disgusting than Dirty

Poems about diarrhoea are seldom pleasant, but at least this one has the saving grace that it's funny.

Author

Style

Short Rhyming Poem

Age Range

11-14

Length

8 lines

Doctor In Motion

“Doctor I have chronic diarrhoea
And I think it’s hereditary”
“Nonsense man I can assure you
Diarrhoea is not hereditary,
And no matter how chronic it is
It’s not as bad as it seems”
“But doctor I know it’s hereditary
Because it’s in my jeans”

Many A True Word

A poem which some will see as sexist, but which holds equally extreme views of both men and women.

Author

Style

Short Rhyming Poem

Age Range

7-14

Length

16 lines

Sexing Flies

Joan found her husband George
Indulging in a strange caper
Stalking about the kitchen
With a rolled up newspaper

"What on earth are you doing?"
She asked with annoyance.
"I’m doing battle with flies"
Was his proud response

"Have you killed any yet?"
She asked, walking to the door
"Three male and two female
Is the current score”

"How can you sex a fly?"
Asked a now interested Joan
"I killed three on a beer can; 
The other two were on the phone" 

Am I Missing Something?

I thought long and hard about whether to include this poem among the rude poems for children. It is a rude rude poem, but at the same time it contains no rude words. The word sex in the title doesn't count, as it is being used in the biological sense of 'How do you tell a boy dinosaur from a girl dinosaur?' The humour relies on a missed rhyme. If you 'get it', that's fine and I haven't corrupted you by teaching you anything that you didn't already know. If you don't 'get it', please don't make things worse by asking your Mum, Dad or teacher (definitely not your teacher) why it's funny. Try reading it again in six months or a year's time and you might suddenly find it falls into place.

Author

Rhyming Poem

Style

Missed Rhyme Poem

Age Range

12-14

Length

4 lines

How to Sex a Dinosaur

Tyrannosaurus rex
Has enormous pecs
Whereas Tyrannosaurus regina
Has an enormous   …tiara

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Copyright © Funny Poems for Kids / Patrick Winstanley 2002-2015 All Rights Reserved.
Individual poems are copyright the stated authors and used with permission